I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.