i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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