No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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