Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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