everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
