I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
