I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
