Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
