Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
