Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
