Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
