who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
