I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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