I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
