i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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