I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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