A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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