I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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