My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
