when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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