JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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