my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
