i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
