Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual