having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
birth control should be required to get into college
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*