you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
