I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
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can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.