I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
