I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
