One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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