well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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