I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
