So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
