she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
