somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
