final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
