a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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