my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
