I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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