Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
