Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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