I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
