I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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