Need sex. Gaining weight.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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