I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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