Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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