Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
