Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She's JV to your varsity
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
