How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
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I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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