I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
