Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
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the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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