I got chris browned last night
I am puke
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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