explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
