we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
