I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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