I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
