Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
