Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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