I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
