when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
