how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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