You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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