Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
