I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
