508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
